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 When I became a dad I made a conscious decision to break away from the crowd. Years later my three sons graduated from high school with a combined average of 97.5% with no parental pressure, it was simply a natural process. I have a deep belief that parents of young children can benefit from what I have learned.
In this blog I will initiate a fresh look at parenting:
- Break my experience down into the core elements.
- Dig deep and research parenting themes that align (or not) with my experience.
- Explore and re-combine the above such that any parent can pick up the concepts and adapt them to their needs.
I will playfully challenge you in the hope that you will return the favour.
If you want to simplify your life as a parent and enable your child to reach his or her full potential, stick around.
To start the conversation, click on the post title to bring up comments . If you could ask me just one question, what would it be?
Greater than the sum of its Parts
From cover to cover this book was an enjoyable read. No blatant advice, no rants just a refreshing series of simple stories from the life of a new dad coming into his own.
I was attracted to this book by the authors desire to fill a gap. He recognized that while new moms naturally gather to support one another, new dads are very much on their own. It has been 25+ years since I became a dad, yet I remember the anxiety, the “what the hell do I do” feeling, like it was yesterday. It was very tangible, a knot that lingered in my belly for months. My attempts to discuss this with other men were primitive, lacking in basic vocabulary and amounting to little more than grunts and shrugged shoulders. This is a common struggle for any man serious about being a dad.
As a playwright, the author sought to fill this gap with stories. Each story stands alone as a snapshot of a simple event or small transition in the life of a dad. Most if not all, are stories that any dad will experience and can identify with, the (fleeting) feelings of inadequacy, shifting hierarchy in the family, and simple experiences of “in the moment” joy.
There is a wonderful personal manner and sense of balance in the writing. The broken line style, “not poetry/not prose”, enhanced the experience by building a more personal connection between author and reader.
The real power and strength of this work is in the sum of its parts. Through a continuous and random weave between the stories, the reader witnesses an unfolding process, the emergence of a dad and family on many subtle levels. You come away with a sense- “Hey I can do this!”
In summary, the author has skillfully filled the gap. I have no doubt “The Faith of a Child” would have dissolved that lingering knot in my belly so many years ago. It is essential reading for any new dad.
It has been a major struggle for me to find a framework to integrate my experience with others and present it in a way that is tangible and accessible for new parents. Parents are quite diverse in their wants, needs and expectations for themselves and their children. I also know many parents are conditioned to expect the instant answer, the quick how-to list for all dimensions of parenting. Yet the information I want to pass on cannot be shoehorned into a how-to list.
In my search for a framework I kept returning to the idea of parenting as a creative process, bringing out the best in a child is comparable to oil painting or wood carving. At first glance this seems a little (perhaps very!) odd, but the deeper I looked the more I realized it was and still is the core of my experience as a dad. From webster-dictionary.net:
Craft: to make or produce with care, skill, or ingenuity ‹crafting a new sculpture› ‹a carefully crafted story›
The Craft of Parenting: Care Skill and Ingenuity
I think we can accept that there is a connection between the moment to moment, day to day interactions with our child and the person they become at 20 years of age. It is a vague connection at best though. To begin to understand this connection I will equate it to the moment to moment interaction of a woodcarver with his material and tools along three dimensions of care skill and ingenuity. Continue reading Parenting CSI
“Inside every one of us is a special talent waiting to come out, the trick is finding it”
(From movie trailer: Billy Elliot, 2000)
The movie Billy Elliot is a gem, it entertains, it challenges and inspires us on many levels. It is particularly interesting in the context of this blog because it tells the story of the unfolding of the natural potential of an 11 year old. I think Billy Elliot is a must-see for all parents and I suggest you watch it at least once a year. See the trailer below.
As you watch the movie, consider the roles of Billy, his dad and coach and who they may represent both in your life and the life of your child. In a future post I will explore some of the themes and what we can learn from them.
BTW, If you know of any other films that explore the natural potential of a child please let me know and I will add it to the blog.
 Grandpa intoducing dad to (older) uncle Merritt We hear more and more today about the importance of the first five years of a child’s life. From neuroscience to psychology to nutrition, the experts are all singing the same tune. As a common dad I want to add my perspective to this group: the importance of the first five years cannot be overstated.
I picked up “Images of Dad’ below, from a dry cleaner somewhere in Ottawa many years ago. I have passed it along to many friends and without exception it raised a chuckle, but little else. However, looking deeper we find a timeless and valuable truth in parenting.
As I read this, my mind cascades through a series of quick snapshots of my dad as I grew up. There is a similar string of images, reflections of how I believe my sons viewed me as they grew. As I read through it a third time, I can step into my father’s shoes, and imagine how my dad evolved in response to my grandfather.
Is this a uniquely Canadian or western view? I don’t think so. My guess is that it would apply across many cultures, yet I hesitate to suggest this perspective is universal. In a later post I will explore the exceptions and what can learn from them.
Window of Opportunity
“Images of Dad” describes a window into your child’s mind, one that is wide open for the first five years: “my Daddy can do anything! My Dad knows a lot! A whole lot!” As your child grows and mature the window slowly closes until the age of 13, when it is sealed shut. Many years later it begins to open again.
Continue reading First Five Years: A Window of Opportunity
 What does it mean to be an effective parent? At first glance ‘effective’ seems cold and sterile, not something most people want to connect with parenting. Time to hit the reset button!
Webster’s dictionary gives us a two part definition for “effective”: 1) stresses the actual production of, or the power to produce an effect; 2) ready for service or action. In the context of parenting, ’power to produce an effect’ can range from getting your child to routinely brushing their teeth to having them taking joy in reading a book. ‘Ready for action’ translates to being proactive, from anticipating the catch as your child attempts his or her first step to keep a watchful eye on their friends.
Highs and lows
What does effective parenting look like? If we could we measure it, on a scale 1-10, what would 3 look like? 8? I have an ongoing long-term study which takes place at the cashier line at my grocery store. There I can observe parents with small children as they pass by the grazing stand of junk food. I have observed situations where the child politely asks, the parent responds appropriately, everything is cool and it goes no further. I have also see kids who scream bloody-blue-murder and parents who scream back, the event casts a black cloud over everyone with fifty paces! All parents fits somewhere between these extremes in effectiveness and not just in the grocery store. Parents who are low on the effectiveness scale are constantly fighting a losing battle, they expend enormous amounts of effort to get nowhere. Highly effective parents find a sweet spot, where they are effortless (or so it appears) in control and drawing out the natural potential in their child.
Movin’ Up
Continue reading Effective Parenting – Finding the Sweet Spot
 The growth of a child is a fascinating process, particularly in the first five years. This takes place on many levels, from physical growth to the subtle learning of language, motor skills and morals. In this post I will provide an overview of a key concept in effective parenting, something I call the parent-child dynamic.
In general when any two people come together, an interaction or dynamic takes place. At a basic level there are three steps, the engagement, exchange and disengagement. For example, if you order a meal at a fast food restaurant, you exchange greetings with the service person, order your meal, pay for your meal and walk away. This is a dynamic in its simplest form.
If you talk to a coach or teacher, the same basic structure is there, but the exchange is much more complex. Each party has both a role to play and expectations of the other person. The dynamic evolves from one interaction to the next.
Taking this one step further consider the dynamic with a good friend or sibling. The interaction here is exceedingly Continue reading The Parent-Child Dynamic
 ‘Parenting as a creative process’ is one of several core themes I will explore in this blog. This post is a quick overview of the concept.
Something was missing? – this was one of my first impressions of the whole parenting arena. It reminded me of the cartoon puzzles I enjoyed as a kid. The challenge was to find the eight things wrong with the picture. I felt a sense of accomplishment when I found the missing table leg, the open door on the bird cage and the missing line in Joe’s pyjamas, you get the idea. In parenting, all the minute details were there, but the big picture that was missing.
The minute details of parenting were covered off in an endless cascade of “how-to” lists. The first list I encountered covered the steps that dad can take to help mom breathe through the pain of labour contractions. It wasn’t a good start, I was useless but that is another story. Before we left the hospital we were instructed in the basics, how-to burp a child, how-to change a diaper etc. Enter the in-laws and out-laws and things got complicated, there were “how-to” lists that had presumably been passed down through the generations and were thus beyond question.
Continue reading Parenting as a Creative Process
“Slip sliding away, you know the nearer your destination the more you (keep) slip sliding away.” Simon and Garfunkel
Design, creativity and generally building stuff have been a part of me for as long as I can remember. I found the best way to challenge my creativity was to extend it into areas outside of my comfort zone. While the challenges I have incurred in launching this blog were expected and welcome, I was not prepared for the degree of difficulty. The Simon and Garfunkel quote above expresses my frustration very well.
My creative skills evolved over 20 + years developing products or manufacturing processes in the mechanical engineering arena. I worked in the health care, automotive and medical device fields producing physical products you could hold in your hand. I learned very early to get the design right the first time. If I released a design to manufacturing with something wrong, parts that didn’t fit, whatever, it would come back to haunt me and cause no end of grief and stress. So I developed an eye for detail, I could scan a design and quickly pick out the glitches. This started with the basic grunt design work and evolved as my career progressed into management. It was particularly valuable on a project I managed in the automotive sector where missing the delivery date would shutdown the customer’s assembly line and incur back charges to my employer at the rate of $50,000 per hour. Fortunately we made the delivery date with 3-4 days to spare.
Continue reading Slip Sliding Away
 Hey first blog post! -where am I coming from and where I intend to go, read on…
When I became a dad I asked a simple question:
“How do I enable my child to reach his full and natural potential?”
I searched everywhere for the answer. No luck. The harder I searched the more frustrated I became. From my viewpoint, the status quo in parenting amounted to an aimless drive toward mediocrity.
I had no other choice – I had to break away from the herd. Looking back I realize that decision was a turning point, after which I began to truly grow into the role of dad. I evolved as my family grew. My three sons now in their 20’s prospered.
This blog renews the search for the answer to this simple question. As a creative nomad I plan to flip this question over, turn it inside out and continue to re-examine it until the answer emerges. It is going to be a playful and practical search extending far beyond my experience. While the answer to this question overlaps with other aspects of parenting this blog will maintain a singular focus on this question.
If are a new parent, I hope you will join me in this exploration. You have nothing to lose and much to gain.
The first step is to break away… Continue reading Enabling a Child’s Natural Potential
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When I became a dad I made a conscious decision to break away from the crowd. Years later my three sons graduated from high school with a combined average of 97.5% with no parental pressure, it was simply a natural process. I have a deep belief that parents of young children can benefit from what I have learned.
